YouTube Brute’

Recently overheard at a local rumshop:

SALTPRUNES: Boy, where you been for the last few days?
BOYSIE: Getting hits.
SALTPRUNES: Somebody beating yuh?
BOYSIE: No chupidee. YouTube. Ah making videos and uploading dem for hits.

I think I can honestly say that YouTube is the devil. How else can one explain not getting any work done in the day because this one website sucks four hours out of your life at a time?

To me, YouTube is basically the Internet’s version of a drug dealer. You are given the first hit for free and then you get hooked.

I’m sure I’m not the only person that has gone on YouTube to watch one thing, only to catch myself hours (possibly days) later coming down from the euphoria of a “related videos” binge.

I start off with the best of intentions; let’s say checking a movie trailer. Suddenly I’m following a “suggestion” to view a double-rainbow techno house remix. Somewhere along the line I’ll happen to stumble upon some kid in the back seat of a car hopped up on laughing gas from the dentist and start watching all the parodies that come along with it. The problem with YouTube is you can literally find anything you’re searching for and all that you’re not (… Don’t try this ‘til after reading this. If you go now I’ll never get you back).

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want the website shut down or anything. I just think there needs to be some sort of regulation. I’m not sure how to do it, but I have a few ideas (of course I do).

User IDs
One way of holding someone in check is to know who is online. So what better way than to give everyone a sign in name that limits the amount of videos each person can watch. Each user gets to choose from a menu of videos and once you’ve viewed them all, you can’t go back on YouTube for a few hours. If you are so desperate to watch videos that you set up alternate user IDs, then these suggestions are way beyond the help you need.

Shock Therapy
Another idea I have is that after a ridiculous amount of time has been spent watching that cute cat singing pop songs a scary face appears on your screen without warning. Now, one of two things will happen: (1) You realize ‘Man, I didn’t realize I had been watching this stuff for so long’ and you get off YouTube (mission accomplished); or (2) You soil yourself, forcing you to come off of YouTube to clean up (mission accomplished).

Now, I don’t believe that the entire onus of this video-watching addiction is on the viewers alone. I think the people who post the videos should also be held accountable. There should be some way to discourage people from uploading foolish, life-wasting content. I’m not saying this is the only solution, but there should be some way to physically hurt them. Maybe there could be a Groupon special that allows viewers to get 53% off the price of a professional clout for the person that posted the video and wasted their time. The professional clouter goes to the offending poster’s address, and as they walk out of their house… BAM! Hit him with a nice hard clout behind their neck. And for a sting of “irony” it gets to be recorded and uploaded to YouTube.

If anyone hasn’t figured it out, the reason I am so against YouTube is because I am addicted to it. It’s not something I’m proud of, and (as said to me by friends and family at my recent intervention) it has adversely affected my life in the following ways: I’ve missed articles, been late for gigs and once forgot my children at school. I’ve even forced others to watch video after video against their own will. And for all this I am very sorry.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest and I’m feeling a bit high strung, I’m just going to take a minute and watch the Scare Tactics’ “little monster man” video on YouTube to calm down a bit… That video never gets old. If you don’t hear from me next week call 9-1-2, the YouTube police.

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