Beat the Heat

Recently overheard at a local rumshop:

SALTPRUNES: So Boy, you still ent find it too hot outside?
BOYSIE: Yeah Prunes, it so hot dese days dat it messing up mih clothes.
SALTPRUNES: Yuh sweating too much nah!
BOYSIE: The other day was too hot to walk to de bathroom so ah pee mihself instead.

This summer seems to getting hotter and hotter by the minute. I mean it’s so hot. (Everyone): How hot is it? It’s sooooo hot that even my African friend Arthur is threatening to get deported back to Africa just to cool down.

I agree with him, it has been ridiculously hot these past couple of weeks. But you know what is worse than this overwhelming heat and blazing sun? It’s those people who don’t think that anyone should be allowed to complain about the temperature. The ones that could care less how many people pass out in front of them from dehydration and sunstroke. Whenever anyone around them mentions the sweltering heat they have the same asinine retort, “You say it’s too hot now but you’ll be wishing for this heat in February.”

First of all, I wouldn’t be complaining in February because I will be in Trinidad for Carnival…thank you very much. Secondly, I would never wish for this type of heat in February (as cool as that would be for Black History Month) because it would mean something has gone catastrophically wrong with the earth’s thermostat and we should all be afraid. And thirdly, when did it become their job to judge people for feeling “too” hot? Excuse me but I still believe what my granny told me as a small child, “Too much of anything is a bad thing.” Sure she was referring to me trying to eat every mango off the tree in the backyard in one sitting but she was also speaking metaphorically. In this instance the sun/heat represents “too much mangos”.

Now I can see maybe 10-15 years ago somebody being unreasonable in complaining about how hot summer was back then because that’s when the hole in the ozone was tiny. But now the hole in the ozone is so big. (Everyone): How big is it? It’s sooooo big that they have renamed it the Miami Heat playoff defense. (No I’m not letting it go AND the lockout still makes that joke relevant)

So since it will be a few decades before we fix this growing hole in the ozone by everyone moving to the moon, I’ve decided to compile a short list of things that will help you beat the heat this summer:

Use Sick Day
Call in to work and say you woke up feeling a little hot and think you have a fever. They don’t have to know its “Caribana” fever (I’m calling it “Caribana” because I only have so many words for this article and can’t keep typing Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival Toronto) then spend your day taking a cool shower while jamming soca and reggae in the background.

Go to the Bank
Banks usually have their air conditioner settings turned set to North Pole. If you don’t have to go to the bank for anything, go to cool off. Make it fun, go into a Scotiabank and ask to see a loan manager then see if they’ll lend you money for costumes and fetes for the Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival Toronto weekend.

Cold Beers
Enough said.

Sure I halfway complain about this blazing sun and heat but my personality is one where I always try to find the good in the bad, so as I sit and drink cold beers in the shade of my front porch (“gallery” for the Trini readers) I’ll remember to be thankful we’re not getting this heat in February.

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